So I have been taking a woman's bible
study class at my church. It's called, “Jonah, Navigating a Life
Interrupted” and as you can see from my posts, the last few months
of my life have been interrupted! I knew all the right answers the
first few days, but I wanted to find the answers I didn't already
know. I looked and read, I studied my bible and the study guide, and
I looked into myself to see what I was missing. I even continued to
work my way through Experiencing God bible study hoping that between
the 2, I would find the answers I was seeking.
What answers, you ask.... I wanted to
know why the troubled times seem to bother me more this time than any
of the past events.
Some of you know me and my family well
enough to know what I'm talking about. Through my son's short life,
he has racked up 14 surgeries and over 20 hospital stays. We were
told he would never walk, or that he would have trouble walking even
with assistance devices such as walkers or crutches, he walks and
most folks don't realize there is anything wrong with him. Through
most of these “events” I have never seemed to loose my cool. I
have handled everything very calmly.
This time around, it has been
different. During the hospital stay and first few weeks after, I
didn't have any problems. But as the weeks went on, I seem to have my
agitation grow. Yes, this time around it wasn't my son but my husband
who's health had been the instigator. I still had faith that God was
in control and knew that He was going to get us thru it all. But
there was still a nagging feeling in the back of my mind, a bit of
confusion and probably a bit of depression. I couldn't figure out
what I was supposed to do about all the bills, about the job, how to
take care of it all and meet the obligations. I didn't know how to
talk to Marty about my feelings, for fear that would make him feel
guilty. I felt a disconnect from him as his health had kept him from
even being able to share our bed for over 2 months. On top of that I
had to make sure my children didn't see anything but a strong parent
so they wouldn't have any fears over everything.
Here are some notes I wrote in my study
guide;
“Never let them see you sweat! I have
a hard time letting others see me down. I have been trying to trust
and lean on others. To give them the blessing of being helpful. It
feels like a backfire. It feels like people see me as a “Needy,
Whiner.” Before I was a “Strong woman,” “Nothing ever gets
her down!” But maybe it was more of, “She's cold heart-ed. It
Doesn't bother her!”
Confused is what I am and questioning
my self worth, my self view and wondering if what I thought I was
showing to everyone was what everyone was seeing.
Another note;
“I can't say that I ran. I can only
say I have been confused lately. I am having trouble “hearing”
God's directions. Somewhere I probably have “not obeyed” and
maybe that's why my confusion continues.”
“I feel like I am missing something.
I don't know what directive I am missing/ not following.”
“I question/ OVER-question my every
decision.”
This last week, in the middle of the
week I made a new discovery about myself. Maybe the direction I was
looking for wasn't an directive of “Go” but a directive of
“Stop!” See I have a control problem. I have been in control of
everything around me, partly by my doing and partly by circumstance.
With our traveling lifestyle, Marty left most things up to me to be
in charge of. From that I took control of so much that it became a
joke that all Marty had to do was the phone interviews for the jobs
and show up to work when I told him to. But that “joke” should
have been my clue. I was in control of too much.
I find myself now looking back and
realizing that there is negative response that comes with control. I
now can look and see the times that it bothered me when Marty
wouldn't or couldn't tell me every detail of conversations or events
of his day. Bad right? It wasn't born out of a want to control him,
but a want to control the world around him. I'll say it again, I
wanted to control the world around him. Now yes, that would control
him to a point as well, if he didn't have access to sinful
environment then I was controlling the chances of him sinning. But on
the flip side, I began to need to control him and out of that became
a mistrust of him. I began to look at everything he did, look for
ways that he might be hiding something from me. See, I had lost
control over the everyday things, so I needed to fill in that gap
with another thing to control. I even began to think he was hiding
something from me when he would get out of bed before me, like he's
doing much between 6:30am and 7:30am when I got up!
Through the last few months the ability
to control the finances have gone out the window. I lost that “fix”
that became my addiction over the years. That addiction has turned me
into an ugly person some days. I know that most people wouldn't call
it an addiction, but to me it seems to be one.
You see if you look back to that 1st
note, “Never let them see you sweat!” well that's a control as
well. I had to control what everyone saw of me. I had to control my
actions so that no one would know I hurt inside. That part of my
control comes back to childhood pain. If I was strong enough, if no
one could ever see me cry or break, then they maybe they would still
be my friend in-spite of my fat and ugly body. Yes, my head says that
is crazy.... but my heart has always felt it. My mom used to say to
me, “You have to loose weight or no one will want to be your
friend.” “It hurts me more than it hurts you to hear the kids
call you names, so you have to loose weight.” And then at the
dinner table my father would say, “You don't need to eat, you have
enough fat to live off of for at least a week.” And my brother
would join in. Eventually my brother and I had a discussion where he
admitted that he thought I would loose the weight to shut them up. He
knows that doesn't work. As for my folks, well I know they are never
going to change, they are never going to apologize or even admit they
ever said anything like that, so why bother even bringing it up. I
let their hurts go a long time ago, it's the peers that I can't seem
to let go of. You see, I never did have any friends that stuck around
as a friend for very long. They only came around me when they needed
something from me, so I never needed anything from them.
Wow, that's it. I never needed anything
from them! I never let them see a need. I never let anyone see a
need. I have only 1 person that I call best friend, she has been the
only one to ever get close enough to knowing me that she knew, KNEW,
when I was hurting. I didn't have to say anything, I didn't have to
ask for anything, she knew the tricks I used to cover my feelings.
And I feel so guilty for calling her, for dumping on her all my
trouble. I feel guilty for letting her “see me sweat.” She was my
friend in-spite of my hiding me.
So, the bible study has opened the door
for me to look at myself more than my circumstance's. I think that's
a big part of what it is supposed to be doing. Of course we still
have a few more weeks and who knows how many more things I will learn
about myself during that time.
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