First, some thoughts on behavior and rules, the way we do it.
Wow, there are some days when the kids just won't listen. Those
are the days that I get the most frustrated. We have some basic rules
in this house, the top of the list? Do what you are told, right away,
and without arguing! I demand, yes I said demand, immediate
obedience. “No I don't want to tell you why I want you to pick up
your room, just do it!” I know that it might not conform to
societies standard, but I have learned a lot in my 20+ years in
daycare and my years of being a mom.
Kids want rules and structure. Does that mean a tight schedule
where everything is planned out? No, that means basic rules and
consequences, with follow through! From day 1, there are rules. There
are punishments. It is my job to make sure BOTH happen.
Child psychology will tell you that from birth, a child wants to
feel safe. If you don't keep them safe from harming themselves, they
won't trust you to keep them safe from the rest of the world. That's
what rules mean to a child. Yes, most of this is subconsciously. So,
this translates to rules and punishments, done consistently.
Immediate obedience, if a child is running into the street and a
car is coming, you want them out of it immediately. Do want to take
the time to discuss why? When a child learns immediate obedience, you
can keep them safe first. If you want to teach them the why's, teach
them to ask, AFTER they have shown the obedience part!
Another top rule I have, Do all things J.O.Y.-fully! That stands
for Jesus first, Others second, and Yourself last. It has an extra
meaning of nicely, without complaint as well. But when their behavior
or attitude is showing signs of not good, I just ask, “Are you
doing/ speaking with JOY?” That is usually all I need to say to
correct the behavior.
While these basic rules are usually enough to keep things good
around here, sometimes it is not enough. Then comes the spoon. Yes, I
hit/ spank my kids with a spoon. Would my hand work? Yes. Wouldn't my
hand be softer? Yes. Wouldn't my hand be less threatening? NO!! My
kids know when they have pushed the limits too far and that they are
getting a spanking, they can see the spoon in my hand. If I used my
hand all the time, what would they think when I was coming in for a
hug or to wipe something off their clothing? They might be scared
that I was going to hit them. I don't want them to fear me, just fear
the spoon. They know what it takes to get a spanking from it! It also
has another effect, I only have to ask, “Do I need to get the spoon
out?” and the behavior quickly corrects! So, how often do I use the
spoon? Probable less than 1 time per month. I might take it into my
hand, tap the counter with it for attention, and then lay it back
down again, about 1 time a week.
Why do I not have to use my spoon more often? Because they know
that my rules are there to keep them safe and to teach them how to be
Godlike men. I use all kinds of punishments; nose in the corner, no
TV, no bike, no toys, early bedtime, more schoolwork, and of course
bible verses. I like using the bible verses for most “crimes”.
They have to look up and find 5-10 verses on a subject like lying or
fools. Then they have to write them down, the whole verse and where
it's found. If that isn't enough to correct the behavior, each might
get written 10 times. By then, it should be memorized. If not, write
it 10 more times!
My kids also know that punishments are far worse if crimes are
witnessed by others or done outside the home. They know that as a
homeschool family and former travel family, that we can be judged
more by others. CPS and family court judges might be more likely to
THINK we are not good parents because we have less roots than other
families. Some officials also like to think that homeschoolers are
just too lazy to get their kids to school everyday, that's why they
claim to homeschool, that there is no “real” schoolwork going on.
My kids do school work and they do learn.
Now, some ideas and thoughts about family time.
These are just my opinions and thoughts, don't take offense or feel judgment when it is not intended. (Disclaimer now posted!)
While my boys are perfect, they are good kids. Some say they are
one of the best behaved kids around. They still push the limits, and
get into trouble. We strive to teach them based on their mistakes and
improve their behavior. I think homeschooling has allowed us to spend
more time together that we have been able to catch the behavior
problems early on and to start correction faster. I wish more
families made the choice to spend as much time together as possible.
I know some families feel the need for 2 incomes or are single
parents, but what about the times your not at work? Do the kids
really need more than 1 extra activity per week that cuts into that
family time? Do they need a TV in their room to watch their shows
while your in the other watching yours? We have only 1 TV in the
whole house. Everything gets DVR'd so we can watch appropriate shows
with our kids, and save the rest for after they go to bed. Yes, we
might not get to watch “our” shows until 3 weeks later, but we
also know what our kids are watching all the time. Do you sit down
together at every possible meal together? We do! My kids always sit
at the table for meals, we do have special occasions when we eat in
the living room while watching TV. Yes we eat with the TV on
sometimes, we hung it up on the wall with a swivel mount for that
purpose. But we are still doing it together.
What about the household chores/ tasks, how are they going to get
done if we are spending all that time with our kids? Well, we do
tasks together! The kids help with the laundry, they bring down a
load to go in the washer, I am pulling the load out of the dryer.
They carry it up to our room for folding and start folding. I finish
switching the loads and go join them in folding. When they were
younger and couldn't fold much, they helped sort and matched up socks
for me to fold.
What about the weekends? Do you have so many activities planned
that you are just a taxi service or is the whole family involved? Do
you plan anything special for your family or does everyone just do
their own thing? Yes the kids are going to want to play with their
friends and ride their bikes, especially if they are so busy during
the week with school, activities and homework. But do you limit their
time for the sake of family time? Make a rule of 1 sleepover a month,
whether at your house or at a friends. Then make plans for 1 family
activity per weekend, whether on Saturday or Sunday after church.
Maybe it family movie night with homemade pizza (made together of
course), or frozen pizza and ice cream sundaes. An afternoon water
balloon fight on a hot day followed by everyone cleaning up together
might be fun. A snowball fight after a snowfall or a Nerf gun fight
is good inside or outside depending on weather. Make paper airplanes
and fly them around the room, younger kids can help decorate them.
Get some glow in the dark paint, a small funnel and a cheap clear
ball. Put some pain inside the ball and swirl it around. Now charge
it up under a lamp and after dark, go play kickball, catch or with
older kids, dodge ball! The next weekend since you have the paint,
tape some shapes on their bedroom walls and paint some designs.
You'll all have fun that night looking at it after dark when your
tucking them in for the night.
What about bedtime? Do you “tuck” them in every night? Do all
the parents in the house participate? Growing up, my father didn't,
we gave him a kiss while he sat in his chair watching HIS shows or
reading the paper. My mom would tuck us in but by the time I was
around 5
th grade or so, there wasn't much of that anymore.
My boys are 5
th and 6
th grade age now and we
still BOTH tuck them in. They want it and can get emotional if daddy
fell asleep on the couch and might not make it to tuck in time! (Poor
Marty gets up around 3:30am for start getting ready for work and
tends to be very tired by 9:30pm.) When on vacation and all the kids
were in 1 room, we tucked them all in.
I'm no expert and I am not judging anyone, I am just giving you
an insight into our lives and asking you questions to make you think.
I try to learn new things all the time and I am an information
gatherer. I “feed” off of information and believe that the more I
know the better decisions I make. I love new ideas and like to share
my ideas. I don't want you to feel like you have to do the same but I
hope it inspires you. Look at your life and decide if something might
work for your family.